Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all
about knowing fuck all about owt, needs to watch their back...
So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky-high - literally...
literally taking the grass from its own roots!
Now you've got your condemnation...
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up!
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is revolution a word, or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know,
we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester
and they charge us for water?!
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found,
This green and pleasant land in ancient times...
yak-yak-yak-yak-yak yak-yak-yak-yak!
It's not theirs any more.
This is our England now.
Paaaarty!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
Depressing thought number 261.
You can never truly know somebody.
What they're really thinking and feeling.
No matter how hard you try, you'll never be totally sure,
never truly know.
You'll always be strangers.
Depressing thought number 262.
You will never join that gym.
You will never have a six pack.
You will always feel a vague sense of self-loathing
every time you undress.
Number 263.
You will never be as young as you are right now.
See that moment that went by?
That was it. S'gone. And now you're older.
You can never go back.
Number 264.
Everyone you know will die.
Sometimes suddenly. Sometimes not.
Sometimes they just slip away.
And sometimes go out in a blaze of glory.
There will come a day when you see them for the last time.
You probably won't know it.
No warning, no big fanfare.
Just one day they'll be there, and the next...
gone.
Right in front of me.
Another inch, that could've been me. Bang. Dead.
Did you never learn your Green Cross Code?
Always look both ways.
He was heading on in here as well. That's lost revenue.
It's a person we're talking about here, Lillian,
not some fucking number on a spreadsheet.
Eddie McGuinness. 35.
Likes girls in PVC and stockings.
Have you anything to add to that?
No.
Well hush up and drink your tea, then.
Deep breaths.
Yeah, s'just...
makes you think, dunnit? How fleeting life is.
How you've got to make the most of it.
S'pose.
Which is why...
I've got something to ask you.
Mmm...?
Is there any chance of another cup of tea?
Don't worry. Not his wife.
Just his sister.
Oh, thank fuck.
I thought for a minute I was the other woman then.
You're just another gullible tart he'll barely remember when he wakes up.
Only difference between you
and Kleenex is he probably had to buy you a drink first.
You can see yourself out.
You are my sunshine...
I'm your what?
No, not you. SLUT!
Oh, so I'm not your sunshine. I'm just your slut.
Shit. Sorry, no. I'm just a bit all over the place here.
I saw it, y'know. Milkman vs postman. Fucking terrible. Shook me up, it did.
I had my chance, and I blew it. Like a twat.
He's up to summat.
Who?
Marty. He's got that look. That matches, smoke and flame one.
Nah. He's way past that, isn't he?
He's in the toilet.
Fucking hell, Karen. Maybe he's having a piss.
Best dial 999, shall we?
Or maybe he's planning his own personal bonfire night.
So unless you want this place burning down, again,
get your arse into the gents.
Kelly... you are my sunshine...
my starlight...
my...
world...
Will you do me the great honour of being my...
Shitflaps!
Marty...! You all right in there, mate?
Marty!
I've lost it.
I've lost it, Jamie, Jamie, I've lost it, I've lost it.
I've lost it.
"Miss you. Can't stop thinking about you. Wish you were here.
"Love you so much"?
I mean, c'mon. Pays 60 quid a pop,
always comes on me tits and me face, and he thinks that that's love?
That's nice, dear, yeah.
Then the dickhead only gets me name tattooed on his arm.
"Sherry". Sherry!
It's not even my real name, stupid twat...
Hello?
Girls...?
Are you the spirit of Eddie, that poor postie?
I'm just a fucking dog, love.
Now hurry up and open the letter. Come on, darling.
That doesn't spell romance to me,
not when half of A&E are sniggering at you.
I've had one of my visions.
What?
Spirit world talking to me.
A message from the other side.
A warning.
Like glass it will break, a bond it will take.
She will shed not a tear, for a storm it draws near.
Is that JLS?
Lil... where you going?
I need to spread the word before disaster strikes.
Also, we're out of batteries for the dildos.
When I woke up, I just knew today was the day.
And then I saw the postman get splattered. It was like a sign.
Yeah, a sign we're getting a new postie.
So what's flushing a ring down the lavvy mean?
It means I'm a fucking loser.
It might still be in there, mate.
The toilets are all backed up. I've been meaning
to get a plumber to sort it.
I've got short arms.
No way.
Pleeease!
I love her, Jamie. Fenian cunt!
I just wanted it to be perfect.
Like she is, but no, I'm going to be alone
cos I've got stupid fucking short arms!
You stupid bastard short-arse fucking arms!
Marty.
Just give me a minute, yeah?
Yeah.
So?
Don't ask.
Jamie!
Seriously, don't ask.
Hero. God amongst men.
I'd shake your hands, but...
This never happened.
Got the ring back!
It's another sign.
It means everything's going to work. Everything's going to be OK.
'So is two OK or not?'
Listen, I'm willing to look at it,
but I don't want any more of that American "lite" piss, all right?
'That's a yes, then.'
I'd have more success shifting me own urine.
'Uh-oh, here comes the dirty talk.'
Fine. Yeah, we'll talk about it later, yeah?
Fucking brewery. Still trying to pass off that weak shit to us.
I could go if you want.
Nah. It's all right, babes. No sweat.
Great man you've got there, Karen.
One of the good'uns.
Love. Fucking love.
It's amazing, innit?
It's fucking amazing.
I've got something I need to ask you. About Kelly.
I want to propose to her.
And you've come here to ask my permission?
Well, it's not up to me who that tart hooks up with.
But you were married to her before.
If she wants to choose a little creepy pyro over me, it's her choice, innit?
That's all in the past.
What is the past, Marty?
Some schools of thought think that it doesn't exist.
Everything happens concurrently.
So while we're stood here, chatting, there's another Marty,
watching his wife and kids burn to death.
I'm sorry.
Fuck off!
That was way below the belt.
Is that really what people think?
That I killed Sue and the kids?
Cos it wasn't like that. I wasn't even there.
Nobody thinks you did it.
I was just being a dick.
You did nick my wife after all.
Should just get a taxi stand outside the house,
for all the gullible girls he brings back home every night.
Better than having to do the walk of shame down Chatsworth.
I need a favour.
Does it involve cash?
No.
Then I'm listening.
I need you to cover for me at the Jockey.
Yeah, course.
Can you be there before two o'clock?
Why? What's, what's happening at two o'clock?
I don't know. But Jamie does. And I'm going to find out.
Sorry, I'm not following you.
He's got this text. From "the brewery."
It's got "xxx" at the end.
That's nothing.
I've been getting these feelings
and they just keep building and building.
It's probably some dolly-bird who works for the brewery, and just texts like that.
Look at me.
Look at me!
Jamie loves you. Now stop doing this to yourself.
Morning.
Huh! It breathes, it walks, but is it human?
Barely.
Two types of men in this world. Men like my dearest brother...
And then there's the rare ones like your Jamie.
The ones who are worth it.
Idiot. Fuckin' stupid idiot.
This isn't a spectator sport.
I think I maybe need your help. Spiritual guidance. That sort of thing.
God have mercy on your soul. 'Scuse me...
Mirrors? Nah. Haven't broken any.
Now you're sure? The prophecy was quite specific.
It's a prophecy now? Because before it was just a message.
Those of us who have the gift are often mocked and shunned.
Look, just if I was going to spend the effort sending
a message from the other side, I'd make it coherent.
Straight-forward. Not a shitty poem.
20 menthol, Ches.
You see? That's a message.
No mistaking it. 20 menthol.
None of this "for a storm draws near" bollocks.
- You had another one of your visions? - A dog brung it.
Didn't you also predict that the world would end in 2009?
A cat told me that one. You can't trust them cats.
Afternoon... oh er, congratulations by the way. Marty.
You not over that yet?
No, I mean the...
Y'know.
Oh, bollocks.
Shane.
I said nothing, right?
Right, I'm off to see the brewery rep.
See if you can get us a bit of discount then?
Yeah, I'll try and get pigs to fly and hell freeze to over too.
Is it a man or a woman?
Who? The rep? He's a bloke. Why?
Nothing, question. That's all.
Come along if you want. Should be gripping stuff.
Nah. You're all right. OK.
I've got the ring and I've got the speech.
But then I see her... I bottle it.
You're a priest. You must have married loads of people...
Ah. I see. So you're asking me
if I think that you and Kelly are right for each other?
No. You can't make her happy, Marty.
Chances are, she'll turn you down, or she'll run off before the wedding happens,
or a month or two down the line
you'll go home and see a lipstick message on the mirror.
"Goodbye," that's all she wrote.
I thought priests were meant
to make people feel better about themselves.
Look at you, Marty. Look at her.
Imagine the things that she's done to make her money.
The men she's held in her arms,
kissed, fucked, sucked,
and then ask yourself, why, y'know, why in all that's holy,
would she choose you? Why would she choose little twitchin' stutterin' Marty Fisher?
Fuckin' twat!
Marty - eh!
Good lad.
What?
You don't give a shit what anyone thinks, not me, your family or friends.
It's not about us. It's about you. And her. That's all.
Do you love her?
And does she love you?
Then that's it. You ask her. Ask her to marry you.
And buy me another drink.
Actually do that first, you know - priorities.
Will you do our wedding?
Make it a double whisky and I'll throw in some tap dancing as well.
What's wrong with you today?
Sorry. Can I get a big whisky please?
You alone?
We've got to be more careful.
Yeah, we will be.
Look, you know the rules.
And I get it, it's not easy for you sometimes...
Sorry?
It's just I've got the wife and the kid and you're sort of stuck here alone, aren't you?
What? You feeling sorry for me...?
No, I just I didn't mean it like that. I mean...
I understand you.
You're such a great guy!
Have you broken any mirrors...?
What? Look, I'm busy, middle of a complex perm.
See, I've had this vision, and I'm asking everybody, it's important.
Well, I've had this vision too, Lillian.
Your nose is bleeding and my knuckles are sore.
You want to find out how it happens?
I'm only trying to save some souls.
Bye.
"My sunshine, my starlight, my world." What do you think?
Is sunshine better first? Or starlight?
I think any woman who won't marry you because you put
one in front of the other, isn't worth marrying, Marty.
I just want it to be right.
Well, now's your chance.
Shit. I can't do it, not here, not now.
Kelly. How are you?
Something you want to tell me?
No. Don't think so.
You're sure?
Do you... want a drink?
How about, "Do you want to marry me?"
Yeah, I know about it.
You've been avoiding me all day.
That's right, ninja-boy, I saw you hiding.
So what is it?
Cold feet? Think I'm not good enough for you?
No, fuck, no. I just...
I wanted everything to be hearts and flowers,
perfect moment. Just for you.
It's life, Marty. There's no such thing as the perfect moment.
Go on then.
What, here now?
Kelly Ball. You are my sun...
Yes.
What?
Yes!
- I hope you're as happy as me and Mimi are. - I tell you what, that woman...
You're about to do it again, aren't you?
What...?
You know, start talking about me mam,
tell me how fantastic in bed she is. Let me save you some time, eh?
He's in love.
And love is the most important thing in the world.
There's only thing I want to know.
I promise you. I'll love her, cherish her, honour her...
Nah, nah, nah, nah. Are we going to have a party tonight or not?
Party!
She said yes, then?
I want your best champagne. And banners, streamers, the works.
Nothing's too good for my girl.
Dunno about the streamers and banners
but we can stick up the Christmas decorations if you like...
Brilliant! Everyone loves Christmas!
Better change into me party dress then!
You're back early.
Yeah, I got halfway there and the twat phones
to say he couldn't make it today. Cheers for that.
You all right?
Yeah.
Never better.
Wait, Kel!
It's all right, I meant it. I'm home to change, not running out on you.
No. It's about the ring.
It was my grandmother's...
but it was Sue's as well.
She chucked it at me when we split up.
And I kept it because I wanted to give it to someone
who truly deserved it. You see, my nan and grandad,
they were together till they died...
You're telling me you've used this ring before?
Proposal, marriage, the whole thing?
I'll buy you a different one if you give me time to get the money,
I'll get you the biggest, brightest diamond I can afford...
It's romantic.
What?
You want me to have this for the right reasons.
I get it.
It's...
romantic.
I know.
It's like Beauty And The Beast.
If the Beast had a thing for torching houses
and shouting "wanker!"
They just seem a bit wrong for each other, don't they?
Not like me and you, babe.
She's had more cocks than Bernard Matthews. Good luck to him.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Can't you just be happy for them?
Don't you dare fall on me.
I'll do my best.
Do you think I'm fucking stupid?
What?
- I said, do you think I'm fucking stupid? - What the fuck has gotten into you?
You.
Getting into my fucking husband.
Me and Jamie?
Are you crazy?
I don't know.
Something isn't right and it's driving me mad.
And I don't know...
what is worse.
If it's true...
or if...
or if it's all in your head?
OK.
So, one way or another...
we will find out.
Well, someone must have broken a mirror.
And as I've told you before, it's none of us.
But my vision...
Overactive imagination.
I have the gift.
You should take it back to the shop, then.
Respect for your elders and betters.
The boy's right. I'd hang onto the receipt if I were you.
Damaged goods.
You're not going to fuck this one up, Kel.
You're not going to fuck it up, right?
Princess Kate, in the house.
You look... very passable, dear.
Thank you.
More importantly, this party of yours tonight.
I am right in understanding there will be free beverages available?
Only because I want all the drinking, drugs, fucking
and fighting out of the way tonight.
I am having a proper wedding.
I don't want anybody wiping blood and vomit off the pews.
You're getting married in a... a church?
Well, they do say the Lord is very forgiving,
even of the blackest of sheep.
Bin.
What's happened to these?
Pah!
Vernon Francis Gallagher happened.
Every one bill that comes through the door now.
Says he's fighting the system.
This isn't a bill.
It's for your Marty.
Err, you can't do that!
That little sponger gets his post sent here.
It's fair game.
What?
This... is from one of Marty's kids.
Get Jamie alone and then make a move on him.
It's not rocket science.
Look, I would do this, OK?
But I am related and I think it would just creep him out.
Karen, I thought we sorted this out.
It's just this little voice in my head, yapping away...
Get a grip and tell it to fuck off.
Please.
I need to be sure.
Marriage isn't easy.
It's about compromise, it's about trust,
it's about suppressing things, knowing you can't always be right,
even when you are.
People say it's a rollercoaster, but...
it's more of a ghost train.
But it's good, right?
You wouldn't change it for the world?
Welcome to the club.
There you go, love.
Thank you.
All right?
Karen knows.
What?
Or, at least, she suspects. Something.
She sent me in here to test you.
You're kidding me.
No, Jamie.
Right, so, you go back out there, you tell her what a good boy I am...
and it's business as usual, yeah?
How do you think this makes me feel...?
Hey. Like I told you before, I understand.
It's not easy for you.
So we'll be more careful in future, right?
Now, go on.
So...?
Seriously, you've got nothing to worry about.
Like I said, you've got a good man there.
It just says his kid's been looking for him.
Most of it's all burnt, but there's...
an address in Spain...
It just doesn't make sense.
You have to show him the letter.
What if it means...
His wife, his kids...
They're all still alive?
Marty would still want to be with you.
No matter what.
Unless, of course...
"Unless, of course..." what?
It just seems strange he said they were all dead.
His wife. His two little children.
I'm sure that's what he believed.
At least, I hope it is.
Because if he lied about this,
then God knows what other dirty secrets he has tucked away.
But I'm sure it's all an honest mistake.
It happens all the time.
"Where are your wife and kids, Jim?" "They're dead."
"Oh, wait. No, they're not.
"They're in Sainsbury's, doing the shopping."
And there'll be someone out there for you too.
Of course there is! There's a fucking busload if she wants it.
Traffic jams up and down the M60, tits and arse like that.
No... I just meant, the one.
That's such bollocks!
There's no such thing as "the one."
Oh, go suck a Fisherman's Friend.
Well, I think it's very sweet. Because the view from here
is usually a sea of glum and tormented faces,
so it's very nice to see a smile.
Wedding's off.
Kel? What's going on? What's happened?
Your fucking kid, Marty.
You lied.
Sympathy, was it?
"Aw, they died in that fire." Poor fucking Marty.
Don't fucking touch me.
Don't fucking look at me.
And don't ever fucking talk to me again.
Kelly?
Marty?
You all right, mate?
Lillian here?
She's out on her mission.
You know, the gift.
Doesn't matter. I'm back.
Next customer's mine, all right?
There's a rota.
- Fuck the rota. - You can't just come and steal punters off the rest of us...
I'm fucking working. So get the fuck out of my way.
Sorry, Kel. Just business.
Slag.
Marty?
Hello?
He's gone.
Fuck. Miles away.
Maybe the lad just needs some spiritual guidance?
I learnt this one in the seminary.
It's the short, sharp shock.
Ooh, Jesus.
Snakes with fucking tits.
And we're back.
Thank you.
So what does it say?
Last month. From Spain.
It's got a return address and everything.
I don't know what to do.
Most folk will tell you the right thing to do is jump on
the next plane and head over there. But there's no way of knowing.
It could have been to tell you to stay the hell away,
no matter what.
Not like the Good Book offers much help.
Even the big man upstairs more or less abandoned his kid,
at least until the Romans started hammering nails
into his hands and feet.
This idea that we're supposed to be there for our kids,
that we're needed, even nature thinks it's bollocks,
the number of animals who kick their brood out to fend for themselves...
At the end of the day, you've got to ask yourself one question...
are you doing more damage than good?
Come on. Casting out pearls here.
If you're going to switch off, that's fine, but let me know.
I'm not a bloody jukebox.
Everything's out of my control.
I want it to burn.
This place.
The estate. You. Everyone.
I need to be stopped.
2.50...
Eh...
Don't look now, but erm...
I think Gloria just made a move on me in the back room.
Really...?
Yeah, I know she's your mate and all that...
I'll have a word with her.
Just... don't go too hard on her, eh?
She seems a bit lonely.
What?
I said "nice one"...
on the engagement.
Put it there, mate.
Can I have, uh...?
Headache, eh? All that excitement.
No, I meant...
Is it all right if I use your toilet?
Normally, no, but seeing as today's your special day...
Go on. Here you are.
Just don't leave a mess.
You don't know what it's like, up here.
The fucking grind.
Day after day, it's never ending.
I actually envy you.
Is that bad?
It's not bad.
Fucking stupid, though.
Recommended dose, two.
Fuck you, recommended dose.
Fuck. No. Fuck.
So, you've come to gloat then?
Nah, not my style, to be honest.
Totally your style.
Don't fuck this up.
He lied to me.
He worships you.
I saw his face Kel when you broke the news.
Poor bastard didn't have a clue.
He thought they were dead too, you know.
Why are you sticking up for him?
Because I love you.
Fuck's sake.
We can try again.
You don't want that.
You want to get fucked up...
and ruin everything,
like you always do.
I thought you'd changed, you know.
Because of Marty.
I have.
Bollocks.
No, I have.
Tell you what, fuck it, let's do it.
Right here, next to the old memorial tree.
That'll show everyone, won't it?
All right...
You've made your point.
Good...
Won't say no to a hand-job though.
One in a million, your mam.
One in a million.
Hey, are you OK?
I was just going to take all the paracetamol at once. Overdose.
Just finish it here and now. I dropped them down the toilet.
Clumsy twat, butterfingers!
Wait, I was going to walk in your body, selfish twat more like.
You know why I used to burn things? I wanted a measure of control,
you know, to be responsible.
But I was wrong because the world is chaotic and unpredictable and...
stupid...
and that's why it's beautiful.
All right, all right.
When I saw the postie get hit by the milk van, I thought...
I thought it was a sign, for me to move things forward,
to make the most of time, but it wasn't.
It was a sign to embrace the chaos.
Mate, I'm pretty sure it was neither.
Just one poor bastard getting hit by another poor bastard.
You know what?
You're probably right.
Marty? You still owe us for the paracetamol.
Wait...
Fuck it, fuck it.
Wedding present...
on the house.
Listen Marty...
Give me your hand.
I am not letting you get away from me.
I love you, Kelly, and you love me.
And that's why your bag's packed?
That's why you're going, right?
My son could still be alive.
I have to find out what happened.
Wrong finger.
What?
Engagement ring... You put it on my right finger, right is wrong.
Bollocks.
And, we've got the engagement party...
I'll be back.
Just wait one more day!
I don't want you to go, Marty.
I was so scared...
scared of being hurt by you
but I want it.
To be hurt, to be happy, to be...
To be everything with you.
I'll be back. You know that, right?
It's a promise.
I'll be back.
A little early for Halloween.
I'm taking you to your engagement party.
That's not going to happen. If you think I'm going in there alone.
Argh!
That is what your self pity sounds like to me.
Honest to God.
That boy Marty loves you and you love him
and everyone here knows he would shift heaven and earth
to come back to you
and if that is not a cause for celebration, I don't know what is.
Don't let me get too drunk, eh?
Thank Christ! The thought of missing a free bar.
I don't understand.
I've got the gift.
I got the warning.
But poor Kelly and Marty still got heart-broken.
It weren't for them, you daft cow.
It was for the other couple. You were meant to save them.
What, the black ones?
The good looking fella and his wife.
No, Frank and Patty aren't a couple, they just share a house.
You silly dog.
You stupid cow.
See you next year, love.
'Depressing thought number 265.
'You might wait all your life for that special person,
'but even if you do manage to find 'em,
'they might be waiting for someone else.'
'266...
'Good times don't last for ever.
'Friends don't stick around.'
'At the end of the day, you're in this alone.'
It's over.
Don't worry, I told you, we just need to be more careful that's all.
No, Jamie. It's over.
I thought I was hating what I'd become but, no, it's like they say.
"It's not me, it's you."
'You've been betrayed.
'Knife in the back from those you thought you could trust.'
'Depressing thought number 267.'
'Everything you know is wrong.'
'But you know what?
'Fuck 'em.
'Fuck all those bad thoughts.
'Because this...
'..this is happy thought number one.'
'I will be back.'
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
OK, let's get the boundaries set once and for all.
Things you can and cannot say about my mam.
She's got a nice smile.
Seriously? Her smile?
She's got nice eyes.
Ah! Freaking heck, it's like I can't say anything...
Good. Now we're clear.
Are you not going to hit me?
It's your face, I couldn't help it...
Just leave me alone!